2023 Reflections
Winter Solstice / The 12 Nights is the time for hibernation,
looking inwards, inner growth
and that is what we have been doing.
Bizarrely I wrote a looong blog about this already,
which was published and then mysteriously disappeared..
So here I go again,
learning another lesson and writing in a word document first - YAWN!
I do like to be able to put pictures in, and format as I go but I’d rather not lose everything again arghhh!
It will come out very differently this time
but maybe the universe thought I needed to reflect some more,
so here I go again
for me part, 2 or 3 or 4, but for you part 1!!
So! I’ve heard many people saying they are glad to see the back of 2023, and these are our sentiments exactly…
It wasn’t just last year that was intense either
the last few years for us have been an incredible journey of learning and growing.
We like to put ourselves ‘out there’
we want to test things out.
It is my firm belief that we are not on this planet to ‘play safe’
and keep plodding along doing the same things day after day.
If something isn’t right, then change it, break new ground, this is all part of the human journey of evolution we are on.
Disclaimer!!
Don’t get confused….
I’m absolutely NOT saying we are
UN-safe when it come to our work with young people!!
This is about the wider context of finding new ways of working and showing up personally and in community
being vulnerable
being open to change
and shifting paradigms
Needless to say we have spent a lot of time debriefing, resting, recouperating over the past few months!
We were absolutely exhausted, and burnt out
Partly from employing people who were supposed to ease the load… that ended in us being let down numerous times.
Who said having staff made life easier?
I take full responsibility for this
when I joined the project 3 years ago, Scott was also close to burn out
he’d not had the support he needed from the people he was supporting in the project.
I thought that by offering employed positions, we would be committing to people having job & financial security, and in turn they could commit to the project.
And how cool, to take money from funding and create well paid local jobs, supporting the community!
I thought we could recruit people like us, who were passionate and motivated.
And we did – we absolutely had & still have some fantastic, amazing and totally sound crew.
We have come out the other side in an amazing position
knowing who the people are who are fucking amazing and inspiring to work with, and who love working with us!!
That is most definitely worth knowing isn’t it!!
My mistake though – I suffered the fools gladly! When something didn’t feel right or wasn’t flowing, I tried to fix it, give more chances, training… I questioned myself, thought it was my fault that they weren’t pulling their weight and I was (partly) wrong. This is what trial periods are for – but after lengthy recruitment processes it seemed better to invest in the people we had – at first anyway.
In being too nice, I ended up seeming like / being framed as a / the bad guy! A clique formed, and I took it massively personally. I forgot that, or rather held back from stepping into a leadership role.
It’s not to say it was all their fault either – sometimes things are just not a good match.
Partly it was because of trying out sociocracy – not really wanting to be ‘a boss’.
Who does want to be ‘a boss’??
Talking to other project leaders around the UK
– nobody really wants to be a boss –
and many have tried to hand over responsibility, to be more egalitarian, and found it difficult, in different ways.
Did ‘The Book’ Lie to me???
My working 70 hours a week, every spare moment, evenings and weekends to try to keep up, take up the slack that others were not doing
– didn’t leave much emotional resilience,
and now I know / or at least am more aware that my default setting,
when tired & not on form is
AVOIDANT
avoiding conflict at all costs
(which annoyingly makes the conflict worse!)
My resolution is to fully accept and step into a leadership position
taking responsibility
It doesn’t mean we’ve written off sociocracy – we still love and embrace the concept, but we now know that
It is not for everyone.
(and sometimes, many times people think they want to work like that, but don’t understand the skills, don’t have the skills, don’t have the self awareness to know if the CAN work like that! (Hell we didnt have the awareness to know what to look for in people… but now we know more)We need to implement more slowly,
in increments. Trust is built little by little - we trusted waaay to fast.We need to consider the right time and our energy / time commitments in future.
The buck stops with us, we are accountable, and passing on that accountability, means HOLDING people accoutable.. al of this is an energy gable and needs to be weighed up carefully!
This year there will be no permeant ‘staff’ maybe there never will be again…
Anyway
– when we were falsely accused and funders pulled out –
so did the people who we didn’t enjoy working with – so woo hoo.
That was a huge relief!!
They took all the training we paid for (and had paid them to do!)
They took the idea’s and set up a competing project!
We are very happy and glad about this…
although yes hurt that they would obviously be putting in loads of unpaid hours to set up something new
rather that coming together to collaborate and support us in return as a real community would.
Another paid themself half of the grant money for the project they were working on
- about £5k to learn a new skill ‘research’
(I thought it was a bad idea - but wanted to TRUST them)
Then left - with no work to hand over - unbelievable!!
so we were Sad and hurt
But also very, very relieved!
Rudolf Steiner said that we are in the age of the individual,
and this is something I have personally been reflecting on a lot.
We had / HAVE this dream of people working together, living together in community.
But as human beings our brains have a high level of plasticity
– meaning we get hyper adapted to the environment we are brought up in, brain connections get somewhat set in our formative years.
So, the untouched tribes of Papua New Guinea, and the Amazon do still live in harmony in tribes – this is true.
But here in ‘the west’ however much we despise this life of separateness
– we are not adapted or prepared to live in such close proximately to others and woefully few can make any meaningful shift at all.
This is the crux of our pain,
for those of us seeking community, for those of us who feel this yearning for a different way.
Its impossible for us to see in ourselves what is missing
but there are clues, for those of us committed to living consciously, and committed to shining light on our own shadows.
What makes me even sadder is to see that in many ways our young people are being shaped into
more and more separateness
less playing out,
less connection to nature
And even in our own small family lives it can be challenging even in our relationships to relate to each other, know our boundaries, feel grateful for our triggers, and keep working on them! This is something we are constantly working on and in many ways we need the support of community, to feel held, understood, accepted to enable us to grow as individuals and as family units.
Here in the Orgiva community in South Spain, we do have that – the community here has been growing for 20-30 years. There are elders, people step forwards to run women’s circles, men’s circles, games nights, markets, kindergartens, a midwifery school, a breakfast café, a Japanese night, home ed activities, science club….
People are autonomous, but there is also a strong feeling of people stepping forwards, stepping up to help each other and come together when needed too. It’s not perfect, but we certainly feel much more nourished from being here than from feeling like we need to do everything to make stuff happen. We definitely took the weight of the world on our shoulders over the past few years. Maybe we / I was too impatient… change takes time.
Or maybe in the UK there is just too much beaurocracy – too many dinosaurs who DON’T want to see change – too many forces working against us. Well for whatever reason it wasn’t all flowing.
The FALSE safeguarding accusation was only part of the run of challenges, stresses, and difficulties. It did feel like the world was against us in some ways – it can feel so unfair and isolating.
And in these times of overwhelm it is so difficult to know the right action to take.
Bully boys like Forestry ‘evil’ England feigning community support, but shutting down any grass roots projects who are gaining ground. Lies more lies, stonewalling, and throwing thousands of pounds of tax-payers money on legal costs. It is abhorrent - but we will not dwell for longer than needed. We will absolutely speak our truth, then pick ourselves up with the knowledge that we are good people, capable people, and worthy people.
We will take the learning we can find – make new plans – and continue with our mission to create community, to provide better options for young people, and make sure we are nourishing ourselves and our own young people in the process.
We continue to be guided by Source, Universe, God or whatever that energy is that flows through us and around us.
So over the pas few weeks, whilst resting and reflecting, we have also been planning.
The skills that we share, and the work that we ENJOY and LOVE doing is what we shall do this year.
We are currently studying with NESWEC – (North of England Steiner Waldorf Early Childhood Studies) a level 5 qualification, which is infinitely inspiring and affirming.
I will be sharing more about that and other aspects of my musings, and ramblings here, so watch this space, and check out our 2024 workshops, and events. I am actually feeling happy and positive about the year ahead.
Thanks for following, and do consider supporting us with a monthly membership, we really appreciate all of you. We are here to serve, to grow and to share.
I will leave you with some pictures of our winter travels, there has been a lot of illness, interspersed with some lovely moments,
and as they say a change is as good as a rest!!
